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Tough Love????

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  • Tough Love????

    Our youngest 2 kids, DD 14, DS 18 came home the other day with can I say shitty mid-term report cards? DS has a 44!!! in accounting! DD average is 64. All teachers remarks are~ student does not use class time wisely, incomplete homework, inconsistent work habits, etc. OMG! hubby absolutely blew up at them last nite! He gave them THE riot act. "Well, you may as well, quit school now and get a job digging ditches"` to DS, to DD, he said, "Well, you can hang on here at home till you're 16, and I figure you will probably meet some low life scum and get knocked up and that will be the end of your life"! Get your schooling on track or else!!! OMG! the kids just freaked right out, said they were leaving home,,,they did come back after school tho' and bitched to me about how crass their Dad was to them. The thing is tho' we know our kids are not dumb, they are intelligent, average students, we do not expect them to pull off 80's or 90's, but they are slacking off big time in their work. The kids are offended that Dad dished them out those words,,,do you think it is so bad? I don't,,, I call it tough love.
    And, Dad has apologized for his fit of anger tonite, hugged them, and told them he knows they can do better than this.
    A balanced diet is a cookie in both hands

  • #2
    I'd remind dad that kids usually live up to the expectations you give them, he may want to rethink his words. I'm all for tough love, and I know that you were both disappointed, but maybe the kiddos need you to help them with an action plan to improve these grades. Good luck, I know how frustrating it can be when they are not working to their capabilities (taking away the cell phone and all extra curricular activities works wonders here! LOL).

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    • #3
      Out of the 9 years my boys have been going to school I had one bad year of report cards and will never know what happened. I do know that my ex just kept telling them just try your best and that's all you need to do. He never made it to high school himself so what did he care. Anyways that bad year I took away all there luxurys and it still continued. I didn't know what else to do...I was stumped and at a loss. They would get A's on the test but never wanted to do homework which brought them down to D's. Sometimes they would even do their homework but just didn't want to turn it in. I guess turning homework in just wasn't the cool thing to do? Anyways somehow they managed to pass that year. The next year and after almost straight A's. So wierd, I can't figure it out. I guess sometimes you just have to let things ride their course and it will take care of itself with guidance of course.

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      • #4
        my father would and did whip me with a belt on bad grades, till i was old enough to whoop him,ive never been in jail, and i work hard, had my chores when i was young and i did them, sometimes a "time out" doesnt work,my personnel opinion is,the youth in this country changed for the worse when spankings were damn near outlawed.

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        • #5
          I would have read them the riot act also, but not sure how effective it is. Cell phones, cash, car, insurance, TV, MP3, computer, freedom...... is where it really hurts.

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          • #6
            a belt on the ass is where it hurts.

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            • #7
              I believe in tough love.. Soon enough they will come around...

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              • #8
                I understand what your DH was trying to do. The only thing that I worry about, is what Crissy said. "They will live up to what you predict for them"..... ie: If you tell a child they are bad, they WILL be bad.....I think the approach he took with them the next night was right on. -

                Of course, you probably shouldn't listen to me.. I only have a 50% success rate with kids..So far..One is exemplary, the other one is doing everything he can do to be the total opposite..........No matter WHAT approach I try!
                Lauren ~The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people. ~
                Martin Luther King, Jr.

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                • #9
                  sometimes is isn't the kid, but the teacher. I teach and some teachers just don't try to get through to some kids.

                  If that isn't the problem, I don't know what to tell you. My son was a straight A student until 15, then he failed a couple of classes. I don't know why, just a bad year. He didn't turn in work, didn't care. Taking cars and cell phones seemed to work best.
                  DARE TO BE DIFFERENT

                  www.myspace.com/luvkidrock4ever

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                  • #10
                    Tough love does work as long as you are able to explain yourself well.

                    Maybe the kids were really hurt and shocked at the same time.. just make sure you are able to explain to them why they were scolded. Well, at least the dad and sons made up..

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                    • #11
                      I know about this, yelled, went to parent conferences, then we sat DD down many times. Took cellphone & car away. I think the kids text eachother all day in school. DD got a job at the mall for min. wage & had a manager from he*l, this lady was a real pain. DD would come home, legs ached so bad. We said well, if you get an education then you can be the boss or do you want to always be on the bottom? Didn't take her long to figure that out. She is in com. college this yr, took college courses in senior yr. of high school & in fall will go to Az. State. DD did lack self confidence at that time. They do need a lot of praise especially at the teen yrs. Sometimes they got to figure it out for theirselves. I do know yelling didn't work.

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                      • #12
                        Been there... done it. Both oldest and youngest DD were lazy students... smart as whips, but brought home lousy report cards and comments from teachers just like your kids.

                        I sat the oldest down at the time and told her I was pretty sure I could DRAG her thru highschool. I could. She wouldn't LIKE it, but I could DO it.

                        But... I told her... I can not go w/ you to college and drag you thru that. SO... if you want to go to college, you know what you have to do. And I left her alone. I praised her effort and encouraged her to try harder when she didn't do well.

                        I did the same w/ the youngest who seemed to be following in her sister's footprints. My the time the youngest was a senior ... she'd completed all her requirements and was going to the community college for extra courses. She graduated high school w/ a whole semester of college under her belt. She's got her Masters.

                        Oldest DD didn't fare as well... bombed out of college her first year. Had I been involved in the decision process... she'd have spent a year or 2 at the community college to show me she was remotely serious about college, but her dumb father sent her off anyhow. Long story short... she worked for years and went back to school and aced college. She's just graduated, at almost 30.

                        Good luck w/ those kids!
                        "What fresh hell is this?" Dorothy Parker

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                        • #13
                          I had that problem with my dd in the 8th grade. It was one of the teachers though. She would send piddly HW home for them to do that was taking about 4 hours a night...plus dd had HW in other subjects. She was crying by the end of each night. Our school had a policy about excessive HW. We were told if they had more than 2 hours of HW a night, to please tell them. I sent a note to the pricipal and it changed the next night. So, it can be the teacher.
                          I would have taken everything away. Phone would have gone first, then car priveleges, then allowance. Both my kids were terrified of not having money to spend. We didn't buy them all then toys. They had to buy them theirselves.
                          With all that said, ask your kids what's wrong in that subject. Find out if it may be the teacher.

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                          • #14
                            I think your DH probably handled things the best way he could at the time. Even tho his words were harsh and hurt their feelings, maybe its a good thing that they know just how angry he really is. Deep down, they most likely know how much he loves them and that he wants the best for them. Maybe their reaction is due to guilt about not doing their best. I wish you the best.

                            My 2 girls were over-acheivers and straight-A students who both graduated at 16 because they were able to skip classes, and theyre both still over-acheivers in their careers as adults. My 2 boys are the exact opposite, and when they look back now and compare themselves to their sisters, they both wish they had done things differently. Hindsight is 20/20.

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                            • #15
                              I believe in tough love, and am all in favor of it. BUT to me, tough love does not mean yelling crude things at kids. Tough love it holding the kids to the standards you have, and helping them to learn to make good decisions. AND to learn that the decisions they make come with consequences.

                              So IF they decide to make the choice that school grades and performance don't matter, then the consequence may be that the cell phone goes away. And if the grades and poor performance continues, then more things will be taken away so that the kids can focus on the school and grades.

                              Yelling crude things doesn't teach them anything.

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