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Tough Love????

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  • #16
    tough love

    When my oldest son was in elementary and middle school, bribery and chores worked best. We let him know we would accept A, B, and C and anything else would be extra chores on the week-end. One rough stretch in middle school, we bribed him with a new bike if he would just make the honor roll, he did it. He made it thru high school and college. Middle son was honor roll all through school and college. 3rd son, kind of was our middle of the road student, sometimes great, sometimes average. Alot of it depends on their friends and what the teachers are like. One English teacher connected with oldest son through Dragon Lance books.

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    • #17
      Abuse is not Tough Love

      Tough love is either letting go and letting your kids make mistakes and pay for them or taking away priveleges or money. Verbal abuse and anger are not tough love. Verbal abuse and anger are verbal abuse and anger.

      You have mentioned abusive behavior by him at least 4 times on this board, maybe more. I would look at the fact that they are living in the house with him as a possible cause for behavior issues. That would be a real problem even if the abuse is usually toward you and not them.

      You need to research "Tough Love".
      www.southernjewishprincess.com

      www.funnynotslutty.com

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      • #18
        never mind ...

        *sigh*
        AngID
        Master Chef
        Last edited by AngID; 05-05-2008, 11:06 AM.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by southernjewishprincess
          Tough love is either letting go and letting your kids make mistakes and pay for them or taking away priveleges or money. Verbal abuse and anger are not tough love. Verbal abuse and anger are verbal abuse and anger.

          You have mentioned abusive behavior by him at least 4 times on this board, maybe more. I would look at the fact that they are living in the house with him as a possible cause for behavior issues. That would be a real problem even if the abuse is usually toward you and not them.

          You need to research "Tough Love".
          I would have blown up also if my kids had come home with such lousy report cards. Especially when you know that they could do better. Sometimes kids need to hear that parents are upset, sometimes parents have to read the riot act. Those of us who are parents I think can understand why mudderbears DH blew up, we all have had moments like that. We may not talk about it, but it happens. And I know that could be hard to understand for someone who doesn't have children or is married.

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          • #20
            It Is Hard To Understand If You Don't Have Kids, I've Been There Done That. Dh Would Have Done The Same Thing. I've Had To Do Tough Love For My Own Kids, Take Away Things They Enjoy, No Trips Or Visits With Friends, No Cell Phone, No Car, Ride The Bus To School, No Tv Etc.

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            • #21
              One of the toughest things about being a parent is that its just natural parental instinct for us to want better lives for our children than we had for ourselves, and when we see them screw up, its natural to get angry! To me, tough love does not mean that I can be passive and sit back and let my kids screw up and then let them pay a consequence for it...it means being proactive and letting them know up front how angry I am and what my expectations of them are. Let go and let them make mistakes? Maybe when theyre adults, but not when theyre minors and I am responsible for providing GUIDANCE for them!

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              • #22
                Hang in there Mudderbear....this too will pass.

                I think people that have not been married and do not have children and that have so very little experience and should honestly Keep Their Mouths SHUT!! Just my Honest opinion.

                Huffle
                God grant me the serenity to accept the yarn I cannot return... courage to change the yarn I can... and the reciept to know the difference.

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                • #23
                  Don't hold back Huffle......LOL

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                  • #24
                    I was thinking the same thing as a few of you. Unless you have kids and spend every day of your life with them, then you cannot possibly understand. Kids know it is out of love for them, and not just being mean...that is why they get so upset. they know they messed up!!
                    It's part of preparing them for future life. Employers often do not sugar-coat their displeasure and if kids do not know how to handle things like that, they are in trouble.

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                    • #25
                      No reason why your kids shouldn't know that you're upset with them. Get their attention & they will know that poor grades are not exceptable!
                      Got notice Friday that my 7th grader will have to take summer school for reading/communications. He's the same way....could care less about that class & doesn't turn in work & gives poor effort. Well now he will have to pay for it by being in class during June.
                      Take away some privileges but you could offer some incentive also if you know they are capable of doing much better.

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                      • #26
                        Well, after all of this, DH came home from work Friday and pulled me aside and told me how bad he felt for 'freaking out' on the kids, he said he let his angr get the better of him, and was going to apologize to them for his behavior, which he did, and he sat down with them to have a chat,,,,,all is good. Thank you everyone for your input and your stories of what worked for you and your children.
                        A balanced diet is a cookie in both hands

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                        • #27
                          I have said many things to DD when I got upset too. Kids know we are so mad at the time & they bounce back. But we are parents that care and get mad, parents are human. At least we care I know a few parents that don't even care about their kids. I think those kids would like if a parent did yell at them or ground them.

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