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Thanks To You All!!!

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  • Thanks To You All!!!

    I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
    I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
    I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
    I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
    Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
    I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
    I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
    Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
    I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
    I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
    Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
    Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
    I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
    I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
    I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
    And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
    I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
    I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
    I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
    I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
    Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
    And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
    I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
    Have a wonderful day...
    Oh, by the way.....
    A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

  • #2
    Re: Thanks To You All!!!

    I love, absolutely love it. ROTFLMAO

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    • #3
      Re: Thanks To You All!!!

      Me, too!
      Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

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      • #4
        Re: Thanks To You All!!!

        funny but sad I imagine Monk would follow all these rules.

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        • #5
          Re: Thanks To You All!!!

          Nu... you are too good to us!!!!

          Tessa

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          • #6
            Re: Thanks To You All!!!

            OMG SO FREAKING FUNNY!!!!! Good one Nu. Fowarding it to the entire central time zone now....I don't want a hump!

            Huffle
            God grant me the serenity to accept the yarn I cannot return... courage to change the yarn I can... and the reciept to know the difference.

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            • #7
              Re: Thanks To You All!!!

              Happy to do my part, Nu... Now, give me your e-mail addy, and I will REALLY educate you!!
              Lauren ~The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people. ~
              Martin Luther King, Jr.

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              • #8
                Re: Thanks To You All!!!

                And I DID have my hand on the mouse! lol

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