this is long, but I need advice on parents

[dragun6]

ok, it is a known fact in my family that my parents favor my sister and her children. My dad has said to me since childhood "I don't understand you, wendy. You may be the first woman president or an axe murderer." So, that has always been my relationship with them. Me trying to be the good daughter and not make waves or a fuss. But now their favoritism has started to affect my kids. My 16 yr old came to me and asked if he had to see them anymore, because he was tired of hearing the "Cory" show all the time. And they barely acknowledge my daughter. Plus, my dh of 10 yrs is convinced that they hate him. He is 2nd generation italian and my mother has openly said she hates italians. Before we got married she said all italians do is beat their wives or cheat on them.

so here was my last straw with them, my dd's dance recital was to start at 6pm, and I had basically blackmailed them into attending. I even called and told them what times and how many dances she would be in. I was saving seats for them. They came 1/2 late and left early. They saw 1 dance out of 4 that she was in. I made the decision that then and there I was done. I have not spoken to them since may 30th.

Now, my sister, the favorite called me ripping me to shreds sunday saying that I had to get over it, and that my bf chrissy is a bad influence and that it was her fault that I was not talking to my parents. And she would have no sympathy for me when they died. Now I know this came from parents and I don't know what to do. I don't want to have anything to do with them. Oh, and sister informed me i was lying about the non relationship that my parent's have with my daughter.

Any advice?
dragun

[dragun6]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

come on guys.....someone must have some say on this.....do I just forget my hurt feelings or stick to my guns and be done??

dragun

[dottalk]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

well, seems to me, you need to stop trying to seek their approval in what you do, your kids do, who you marry, etc. because, they are not going to give it and it is only hurting you and your family; distance yourself from them for a while, it is really hard when kids pick up on favoritism. and maybe even more so when grandparents do it. you can love them, but you cannot change them. they are who they are, so live your life, love your children and husband, and dont let them make you miserable. live is to short, way to short, to waste it with this drama that you cannot control. good luck with all, you sound like a very nice person, and I hope you can get through this ok.

[janabanana]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

This is a touchy situation. I'll say this, if it were me, I'd keep my distance. See them on holidays or birthdays, just to be respectful, but other than that, keep to yourself. JMO.

[smokey]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

Sorry, but families can hurt us sooo much. Agree with Dot, you can't change them. I would try to surround myself and my family with people who do care. I had neighbors who were more like family than blood relatives.

I would try to explain to your daughter that not all people are kind or even rational. Don't know if you should force her to be in their lives. I would be polite, but you can't force love into a relationship. I would not seek them out for holidays or special events. Why stress everyone out?

Good luck.

[krubinic]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

Isn't it sad that you can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you cannot pick your family?! LOL

Oh my, I'm not sure I have any great and wonderful advice to give you except perhaps send your parents a nice letter explaining "your side" of how it's always been for you. I have done this a few times with certain family members and it seems to have worked well because I really let things fly and didn't hold back whatsoever like I would have done in person........it's all there in black and white and there is no misunderstandings that way.........and make yourself a copy too!!!!!

Also, I'd do the letter because if you go there personally, your sister might be there and they might gang up on you like it's an intervention.

Good luck and hope it all works out for you! <<<>>>>>

[SouthernCookn]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

They are your parents, I know you love them but it's not fair to you or your family. You said you've tried to be the good daughter, you have a good husband and kids. Nobody can treat you bad unless you allow it. If it were me, I'd distance myself from them. I wouldn't request that they attend dance recital's or anything else. If it were me, I'd do what was best for my family. That is sometimes painful when it's family. There are more family problems like this than you know, it's really pretty common.
It's like some bad marriage's. You can still love someone but that doesn't mean you can live with them, if that makes sense.
I would be polite if they called but distance myself. If they ever want to know what's wrong, be honest, tell them.

[janabanana]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

You're getting a lot of different advice here.... I've had my ups and downs with my parents my whole life.. They are your parents, no matter what. But I tell you what, I miss them every day of my life since their deaths.... I'd give anything to have them back, and get the chance to make things right or learn how to accept their behavior.. I've been thinking about your post all evening. And thinking about the problems I've had with my parents.

[AllieK]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

This is a touchy situation. You don't want to teach your kids that it's OK to treat family in a bad way, but you do not want to let your parents treat your kids differently either.

I think I would talk to your parents when they seek you out and visit them when they invite you , but that's about it.

Don't expect them to come to things that they may not be interested in. My parents never came to see me play basketball because they didn't like basketball. It never bothered me. I didn't want them to be sitting in some uncomfortable bleachers when they didn't like watching the game.

My grandmother did the same thing your parents did. She constantly bragged about her other set of grandkids....to the point of us being jealous . But, after my grandmother died, we found out that she talked about us to them and they were jealous of us. Don't assume anything and try and quit taking everything that is said, personally. Things are not always meant the way they sound.

Other than that, just take things like they are. You cannot change them. I do think that stopping all communication is a little "over the top"

[twjd]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

I had a simliar situation with my mother. I believe she did not like me as a person, however I do believe she did love me, it was dificult. She gave and helped my other brothers and sister and never gave me one thing. I always wondered what I did to make her feel that way. I will never know, she passed away in June. I had the power of attorney over her medical conditions, and she put me thru hell, she was ill for 8 months prior to passing away. Every thing I tried back fired. I hurt bad when she died, I will always feel like I did not do enough to help her. The only thing I do know is I'm not a bad person and I did what I thought was right, and I can not live in guilt. The best thing you can do is sit down with your parents and let them know how you feel, I'm sure they don't see what they are doing.

[jodilyns]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

Oh my, I'm not sure I have any great and wonderful advice to give you except perhaps send your parents a nice letter explaining "your side" of how it's always been for you. I have done this a few times with certain family members and it seems to have worked well because I really let things fly and didn't hold back whatsoever like I would have done in person........it's all there in black and white and there is no misunderstandings that way.........and make yourself a copy too!!!!!

Also, I'd do the letter because if you go there personally, your sister might be there and they might gang up on you like it's an intervention.

I think it's really hard for anyone to give you advice not knowing you or your family and all the circumstances, so I think you should read everyone's responses and evaluate them...pros and cons of each suggestion. I think it's important to let them know how you feel, like krubinic suggested, and is easier in letter form as you can get everything you need out in the open and you have time to think about what you say rather than if you're standing in front of them, you could get all emotional and say something you might regret or they could possibly get defensive as well. Granted, you could say something you'll regret in a letter too and that's why I would suggest either waiting till your emotions calm down to write it or write it now and hold on to it for a little while and re-read it later and decide if that's how you want to send it. I'm sorry that you've got to deal with a situation like this. It doesn't seem fair to you or your husband or children. Maybe laying low for a little while would help as well. Hopefully, you will be able to work all things out.

[milkyway412]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

I like the letter thing too. When my dad got real sick towards the end I hated how he treated me. When I would call him to see how things were he would say, "It's about time you call but what do you need cause the only time you call is when you need something". So I would not want to talk to him anymore and ask for my mom and he would then say "See I told ya". He was rude and very ill tempered. They were coming for a visit once so we cleaned super well. My DH being a smoker had smoked before they got here and all my dad could complain about was their was cigarette butts in the ashtray and why we couldn't have cleaned them out. I went to see him whenever he was in the hospital. I made sure we attended our family functions (even though other family members made it hard), and I always gave him a hug and kiss and told him I loved him. When my dad died I felt terrible and wished I would have told him how I felt. That I have to live with but it did change how I handle things with my mom. I call my mom 3 or 4 times a week. I let her know what is going on in our lives. I visit her as often as I can but due to gas prices it is difficult. I have talked with my mom about my feelings about my dad and she said she never knew I felt like that and that my dad always talked about how much he loved me. She said he done the same to the other kids too. Sometimes they don't realize what they are doing. A letter carefully written is a good way to set things straight. It could also cause a bigger wave within the family. Family is crazy and can drive us crazy. I hope you can figure this out. Good luck. Sorry if I was not help at all.

Debbie

[Boadecia]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

This bit of advice comes straight from my psychotherapist who is a real jewel - I'd be in the nut house for sure without her.....but she says you MUST cut toxic folks out of ur life - for me it was my Mom - so yes, I have done just that for some of the same reasons you express about ur parents. My Mom has now taken to calling me about twice a week and I do answer politely but I absolutely refuse to discuss anything personal with her other than "how r u, 'fine'" type stuff and it is working out much better - I don't feel one bit guilty as I've always tried to be the "good" child and never could measure up to her high and mighty standards. I do feel very sorry for my Dad cause he now must endure ALL the crap, even what she used to dump on me.

[TexAnn]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

Wow! You truly have received some excellent advice! I am like the others. They are your Parents. The letter sounds good..
Weigh the pros & cons of all the advice and reach a conclusion that works for you.

[Sweet Pea]

Re: this is long, but I need advice on parents

I'd write a letter, too, but not send it. Never put anything in writing that others can use against you later. Do you want your siblings reading that letter? Other aunts and uncles? I'd think carefully on writing a letter before I did so.

Like other mentioned, distancing yourself from the pain seems the most logical option. You can love your parents from afar. Good luck.