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NOT for the faint of heart....

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  • NOT for the faint of heart....

    I'm sorry if this offends anyone...I thought this type of humor was PERFECT for my crappy day (GET IT??? CRAPPY day???? LOL...I crack myself up!!!)


    HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    *FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


    *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    *THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.


    *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH above.

    *HAVANAOMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

    *AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    ************************************************** ******************
    SOME VARIETIES~

    The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

    The Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

    The Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

    The Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

    The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

    The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

    The Chitty Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

    And finally,

    The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the
    toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

  • #2
    Re: NOT for the faint of heart....

    Lol!!

    We just had a conversation about this problem while traveling to a football game. My gf and I agreed we will not do the deed if someone has seen us walk into the bathroom. We usually try for a sneak attack.


    dragun

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    • #3
      Re: NOT for the faint of heart....

      OMYGAWD!!!! I am almost crying. I needed that. May day was so blah before. Why is it that farting and poop is so funny. Does this make me immature?! My grandmother has this album she used to play after a few Manhattans. KIt was all differnet farts and thier titles. As a kid I thought this was hilarious. It's been a while since she busted that out. I am def sending this to her email.
      www.thenewmommiezblend.blogspot.com

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      • #4
        Re: NOT for the faint of heart....

        How about a Survival Guide for the innocent victims? Once at Chuch DD and I were waiting for stalls to open up when we heard one of those Jailbreak poops where farts are cracked off at a machine gun pace. It was all I could do to NOT look at DD. Well, I did and we both just bursted out laughing, now THAT was embarassing!

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        • #5
          Re: NOT for the faint of heart....

          Oh and how bad do you feel when out walks a little frail old lady? What makes this so funny? Is it the sound? The stigma you are taught around them?
          www.thenewmommiezblend.blogspot.com

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          • #6
            Re: NOT for the faint of heart....

            Omg..I couldn't stop laughing I had tears..LOVE this one

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            • #7
              Re: NOT for the faint of heart....

              We have and "Out of the Closet Pooper" where I work. Every morning about about 7:10 he's heading for the bathroom with a paper or magazine tucked under his arm. Then he's there for a good 20 minutes. As we have only 1 bathroom for 6 of us, I have to make sure I get in there before he does.
              Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

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              • #8
                Re: NOT for the faint of heart....

                That was GREAT!! And, so true!! We have a guy that works down the hall from the office. We have one office restroom. When he has to poop, he literally bypasses all THREE restrooms that he passes on the way, and goes into OUR ONE LITTLE BATHROOM!! I have never understood that.. We also have a lactose intolerant person... man, you really gotta pick your bathroom times and be able to "hold it" for a long period of time where I work!!
                Lauren ~The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people. ~
                Martin Luther King, Jr.

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                • #9
                  Re: NOT for the faint of heart....

                  That was hilarious! I think that it is funny to us because we try to be so discreet about it.
                  The older I get the funnier it is to me...
                  Thanks for the laughs!
                  Have you made time to listen to the birds today........

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                  • #10
                    Re: NOT for the faint of heart....

                    Oh my gawd!!!!!! Hilarious. have to send this on to my 2 DS's they are always talking about farting and pooping LOL!!!
                    A balanced diet is a cookie in both hands

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