Made someone mad---don't know what to do

[EMail Queen]

Will try to explain.........
Made-up names.
Here's the situation.

My son "JAKE" has a friend JOEY. JOEY has a sister SUSIE.
JAKE likes JOEY to come visit, spend the night, go places with our family. We enjoy this also. Like a big family and he's just part of it.
JOEY's MOM invites SUSIE to tag along to events that we've invited JOEY to. She does this quite often and puts me on the spot. Or has SUSIE call and ask me if she can also go with us. We had not planned on things that way - so this bothers the heck out of me. Actually - that is quite rude! We didn't invite her. We invited JOEY. SUSIE goes & goes with her own friends, and I don't know if she invites JOEY to go along with them but I doubt it.

Anyway - a few months back this happened, and when I explained we really didn't have room because of the cars and who all that was going (several more members of our family) she then was going to withhold JOEY getting to go, unless we also let SUSIE go. Ticked me off, felt like I was being blackmailed, but for my son's sake who so looked forward to fun with JOEY at this event - I gave in and let her go along. Well, little Miss SUSIE caused some trouble and really upset a few members of my family, so being upset - I called the Mom and told her about SUSIE's behavior. She didn't get mad, just apologized for SUSIE's behavior, said she'd also been having trouble out of her and that she won't let her to that to us again, she just won't let her go with us so that SUSIE can't do that sort of thing again.
This was a relief to me.
Then, as several months have passed, Mom is again inviting SUSIE to come along with us.
Now we plan things specifically for the boys, and we always pay for JOEY and never have said he needs any money when he comes along.
Another problem - the Mom expects us to also pay for SUSIE too. And we do.

We don't know what to do.
This happened again today. So I finally spoke up about it and explained that we had the event planned specifically for the boys and weren't planning on anyone else coming, AND that my son doesn't always expect when he invites his friend (JOEY) to do something - that JOEY's sister, SUSIE will come along too.

Well, she is ticked off at me now.
And said she wasn't inviting SUSIE - she was merely saying she AND SUSIE might join us.
That is clearly NOT what she said when she had said she would "drop SUSIE off to meet us" - no indication whatsoever that she meant the other.

Now, I'd like to smooth things over, I like her as a person, and I actually like SUSIE too, but I just don't like being put in that awkward position. She is quick to tell me when she thinks someone else is rude - yet she can't see that she is being rude by constantly pawning off SUSIE on me.

BTW - according to JOEY and SUSIE - they don't go anywhere and do anything, except for Yard Sales, Flea Markets, things the Mom likes. And I know this to be true. She has NEVER taken them to the Fair, or to a Movie or to an amusement park. The Dad works out of town and only is there every other weekend, so he's almost never in the picture.
But she doesn't do things with her kids. She is amazed by the fact that we have such fun with our children and invite more over and just have a blast with them. WITH them. Key word.

So - what do I do now? I would like her to allow JOEY to come over, but I couldn't take anymore of that pawning off of SUSIE.
Don't want things to be awkward, don't want her mad at me and don't want her to not allow JOEY to come over. My son would be broken hearted. Maybe I should've just kept on being taken advantage of and left it alone. But it's awkward with the 5th wheel syndrome going on.
Any suggestions??????????????

[luvs2eat]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

Wow... I think you've been incredibly generous in the including of SUZIE you've done so far... and kudos to JAKE and JOEY for being nice to the sister when she's along. (I'm chuckling at the thought of my mother telling my brother I had to be allowed to go somewhere too... he'd have beat me up and left me under a bush I'm sure!! haha)

Shame on a parent who would keep a kid from playing w/ a friend unless sister gets to go too! And what nerve to put it to you so YOU sort of end being the bad guy if SUZIE doesn't get to go!!!

I think I'd have said long ago that you're inviting JOEY to play with/attend something w/ JAKE and perhaps SUZIE can be included when it's more carefree like a day in the park or something.

[dottalk]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

well, i feel badly for this susie however old she is, she must realize that she is being pawned off, not invited but then again, not your problem but kids are kids, and only for oh so short a time, and then if the problem with susie is that she does not have a pal to pal around with on these adventures, then prob while she acted up. for attention. so maybe if you intentionally invited her and a friend of hers, occasionally, then the mother would not push her off on you, i know a bit more for expense but maybe it would average out in the long run. kids are so perceptive, they know when they are not wanted, and apparently her mother does not want her around either. this could be a crucial time in her life, and she will remember that you intentionally included her occasionally and this may (or may not) make a difference in her and how she grows up!

[beatlebette]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

I think you should have laid down the law much sooner! This is a very lazy mother who is not only pawning her children off on you, she is very rude. How can she expect you to pay all their expenses when they go with you? I really don't have any good suggestion as to how to handle it now. It's gone on for far too long. I don't envy you your situation. Good luck in being able to salvage your son's friendship with his friend. The poor children are always caught in the middle.

[EMail Queen]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

I agree and I have done this.
I have recognized the strained relationship between SUSIE (13) and her Mom, therefore have made a special point to invite her to do girly things that I know she likes. I have gone out of my way to make sure she gets the attention she starves. She only gets it from her Mom when she's sick. She has figured that out. And her being "sick" comes about much too frequently.
Sad situation.

But I don't have a daughter that age (mine are older) and just want my son & his friend to be able to do things. No one I know invites a sibling or two or three when they're inviting their child's specific friend to do something. Occasionally yes, not all the time.

Besides, SUSIE has lots of her little teeny-bopper girlfriends that she goes off with, spends the night with, that come over and spend the night with her. And I don't know of JOEY ever having said he wsa invited to come along. Because the Mom and JOEY are close, SUSIE is close to her Dad. So when SUSIE is out of the picture, Mom can have JOEY all to herself. But is JOEY is gone - she will do whatever in her power to get SUSIE gone too so she can have house (or husband) all to herself. That bugs me too. When JOEY comes to spend the night - she has no quams whatsoever about saying she's got to find somewhere for SUSIE to go so she can be "kid-free" for the weekend. Oh yea - that's another issue. We invite him for a Friday night and she tells him she'll see him on Sunday! She just assumes we meant for the whole weekend. And we've just let that go, because they have fun and he's a good kid and doesn't want to go home. So we don't push it.

It's just a weird situation I guess.

Maybe her anger will just blow over. But I just don't know..........

[Rubelishous]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

I feel sorry for both those kids. Obviously the mother doesn't want them around and her pawning Susie off on you is so that she doesn't have to care for her one-on-one.

She is emotionally blackmailing you and using the kids to do so.

You could try making arrangements with her that you might take the kids to one venue and she can take all 3 to another venue. She probably won't go for that though.

[EMail Queen]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

I hope nothing is said to the children.
I hope the Mom has sense enough NOT to say anything to either of them.
But I am doubting that.

I certainly hope it doesn't affect my son's relationship with his friend.
That worries me.

But heck - if she had 5 kids - would she invite all of them to go along on MY event?
I just think it's rude. And I'm tired of being taken advantage of.

Just hope JAKE and JOEY can still hang out.

[wellsms]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

I would think if dad is gone all the time, that he would want to see his kids. I know she probably wants some adult time, she will get that when the kids are older. She should grow up.

[EMail Queen]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

I SO agree!
She shouldn't be so selfish.
And yes she gets mad when the Dad tells her he wants to spend time with the kids.
He's not neglectful of her at all, so she just needs to learn to share the Dad. They're his kids too. Geez.
I agree - she needs to grow up.

[Sabine]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

I think you are being taken advantage off , big time, by Susie's Mom. I would stand my ground and not take Susie along, Mom maybe mad for the moment, but she will get over it. I mean you are basically babysitting her son and paying for him, she isn't going to give that up. JMHO

[AllieK]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

You may have to stand your ground one time and see what happens. She knows you will cave in now and she will use that against you every time.
The next time, she says that Joey cannot go unless Suzy goes, just tell her that you're sorry that Joey cannot go "but you understand", and then just tell her goodbye and hang up. Don't give her time to argue with you. She will be stunned for a few minutes, until she figures out that she had a chance to get rid of one of her kids and didn't take it. Of course, you have to fill your son in on it beforehand and make him understand your reasoning. You have to give him the tools to be able to handle such situations when he grows up. He will learn by "seeing".

[EMail Queen]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

You are so right.

Thank you.

[kirkland]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

I say give her a bill for babysitting her 13 year old........JK! WOW - this is definitely a touchy situation. You want your son to have someone to play with but don't want to be taken advantage of, which you are. I am surprised that Susie wants to come along - I would think she would want to go off with her girl friends. Or maybe she does want to come because she is starving for attention and gets it from you and not her own mother.

I feel sorry for these children and I wish you luck!

[EMail Queen]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

I feel sorry for them sometimes too.

Thanks for all of the input.

Hopefully it will all work out..............

[DebsterinOhio]

Re: Made someone mad---don't know what to do

Wow you have been really nice, and you sound like a very good mother too. Any chance of just sitting down and having a real heart to heart talk and explaining to her just what you have explained here? Somtimes the best way to clear the air is just to get it all out.